


Commie's Delicious Prompt Assortment

by DangerousCommieSubversive



Series: Prompt Collections from Tumblr [6]
Category: DCU, Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Kick-Ass (2010), Marvel, Secret Six, Teen Titans, Young Avengers, Young Justice
Genre: Originally Posted on Tumblr, Prompt Fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-05-28
Updated: 2015-11-12
Packaged: 2018-01-26 22:14:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 19
Words: 5,034
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1704455
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DangerousCommieSubversive/pseuds/DangerousCommieSubversive
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is a selection of prompt fics which I felt were too short to post by themselves, but didn't fit into any of the meme collections I already have up.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Tim And Teddy Love Rats

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anonymous asked:  
> Based on your Tim headcanon, I now have a mental image of Tim and Teddy feeding rats on stakeouts and just being really casual about it and Billy is completely disgusted because NEW YORK/GOTHAM VERMIN, dear GOD, their diseases have diseases.

"Oh my god, you guys, that is  _so_  gross.”

"What, the rats?" Teddy scratches the top of a rat’s head; it pushes up against his hand, squeaking. "Rats aren’t gross, they’re sweet. It’s  _fleas_  you need to be worrying about.”

Tim strips a piece of ham off the edge of his sandwich and feeds it to a glossy black sewer rat perched on the ledge next to him. “They’re very intelligent animals. I’m very fond.”

Billy looks dubious as he settles down on Teddy’s other side, his heels drumming faintly on the bricks of the building. “They  _bite_ _,_  though.”

"They can. Some do, the mean ones. But you’re not mean, are you?" Teddy feeds his rat a pumpkin seed. "You’re just trying to live. Just like everyone else. Not your fault people treat you like you’re a monster."

"This is the least safe thing you two have ever done. They’re going to bite you. You’ll get the black plague. Or, I mean, can Skrulls get plague?  _Tim’ll_  get plague. I’m not explaining to  _Batman_  about how we let his guy get bubonic plague.”

"I’ve been vaccinated against more diseases than there are words for." Tim holds out a hand, and the rat he’s been feeding climbs up his fingers, his arm, and curls up on his shoulder. "I’m only in danger from rats if they’re full of the newest form of Joker toxin."

Billy buries his face in his hands. “You two are both insane.”

"My sixth grade class had pet rats. I like rats." Teddy smiles, a faraway look on his face. "Oh, hey, look. Steph and Kate are in position. We should get moving."

"Does this mean we can stop hanging out with the rats?"

Teddy pats Billy’s shoulder. “Yes, babe. This means we stop hanging out with the rats.”


	2. Teddy Is Disappointed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anonymous asked:  
> Okay, so I know this is totally piggybacking on that prompt you just did, but whatever. Prompt: Teddy really loves earth critters and loves to pet them and let them crawl all over him, but every once in a while, something will just be really freaked out by the whole Skrull thing (because you know animals can tell) and won't come near him, and it makes him sad and pouty until Billy makes it better.

"It’s  _ok,_  Tee. You can’t be a Disney princess  _every_ day.”

"But…" Teddy frowns. "I’ve  _never_  met a squirrel who didn’t like me.”

Billy sighs. “Teddy, that squirrel didn’t like  _anyone._  It threw an acorn at Miss America. It was clearly evil. And possibly suicidal.”

Teddy sighs. “Yeah, I guess.”

But he keeps pouting, and after a moment Billy sighs and says, “Hey, babe. Watch this.”

He whistles.

Teddy frowns. “Is that from  _Snow White and the Seven_ —whoa, what?” and songbirds start to land on his shoulders and head. “Oh my god,  _what?_ Hey,  _heyyyy,_  little guy, that  _tickles!_ ”

Kate turns around to says something to them and stops with her mouth hanging open, staring. “Um. Billy, why is Teddy a human birdfeeder?”

"Kree-Skrull hybrid birdfeeder," Teddy says absently, tickling a sparrow under its beak.

"Conkers back there bummed him out." Billy grins. "So I called some birds."

America elbows David lightly. “Get your eyes back in your head, boy. You look like you’re about ready to have a heart attack.”


	3. Bane and Catman

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anonymous asked:  
> Bane & Catman. WINK WONK

Thomas gets into his room, sees Bane sitting on his bed, and stops dead. “Were…were you going through my  _things?_ ”

"Yes."

_"Why?"_

Bane shrugs. “To know you better. I have a number of questions.”

"To…" Thomas shakes his head, hard, to see if that’ll make this conversation make more sense. "Like  _what?_ ”

"Who were you intending to capture with these? They seem unsuited to the task. Flimsy."

Thomas stares at the object in Bane’s hand. “Those? Those…aren’t for capturing people.”

"Then they are a mystery. What other purpose could they serve?"

The handcuffs are fuzzy, and tiger-striped—a joke gift from a former girlfriend. “They’re…they’re for sex, Bane.”

"These? For sex?"

"Yes."

Bane gazes at them intently for a moment, and then looks up at Thomas. “Show me how.”


	4. A Bad Trip

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anonymous asked:  
> Can we have some hurt/comfort? Noh's having a bad day, and his nanites accidentally give Tommy a bad trip.

He doesn’t notice that Tommy’s stopped talking for a moment; he’s too engrossed in his current project, elbow-deep in a piece of Phalanx tech he’d…obtained from a recent ship crash. Granted, he’d kissed Tommy in the  _first_  place to stop him talking, but that doesn’t typically last for more than a few minutes.

When he  _does_  notice the unnatural silence, though, he looks over, sees his husband’s vastly blown pupils, and curses in Kree for a moment. Then he finishes off with,  _"Shit,_ _”_  in English, because it has a nice bite to it, and then says, “Tommy?  _Hala,_  speak to me. What’s wrong? What are you seeing?”

"Everything’s…" Tommy’s speech is unnaturally slow. "Everything’s very. Spinning. And. Dark." He’s shaking, in a way unlike his general I-could-be-running quiver. "And. And it smells like. Hospitals."

 

_Shit. Shit shit shit. I haven’t had control this poor since I was decanted._

He tries to summon enough saliva to administer a neutralizing nanite, but his mouth is too dry. How long has he been working on this project?

He can’t leave Tommy.

"Teddy!"

Teddy freezes in the hallway in front of the workroom door. “…something up, Noh?”

"I need water. Quickly."

"Sure, I—wait, what’s wrong with Tommy?"

"He’s having a nanite reaction, that’s why I need water."

_"Shit."_

Teddy hurries down the hall, and Noh-Varr reaches forward,  _carefully,_  and puts his hands on Tommy’s shoulders. “Tommy, I need you to look at me.”

Tommy blinks. “I don’t. I don’t know you. Who are you?”

"I’m Noh-Varr. Remember?"

Teddy comes back with water, and Noh-Varr chugs down the whole glass in one long pull and then says, softly, “I’m going to kiss you. Is that all right?”

"I. Why?"

"It’s either that or spit on you, and I didn’t think you’d enjoy that option."

“ _Please_  don—” Tommy cuts off, shaking, and then lets out a piercing shriek, staring at something invisible over Noh-Varr’s shoulder.

Noh-Varr kisses him and  _focuses._

It takes a few minutes after the kiss for the neutralizers to kick in, and then—Tommy punches him in the mouth. “What the fuck what  _that_  shit?”

Nearby, Teddy makes a started snorting noise and covers his mouth to hide his laughter.

"I wasn’t paying proper attention to my nanites."

"That was the  _worst thing ever_  and if it ever happens again I will  _kill you._ ”

Noh-Varr hangs his head. “I’m very sorry.”

"Shut up, you ass." Tommy scowls and crawls into his lap, tucking his head under Noh-Varr’s chin. "I’m going to steal all your vinyls in the night and give them to Loki to DJ with."

"You  _wouldn’t,_ " Noh-Varr says.

"Wait," says Teddy. "Loki’s a DJ?"

"Not relevant to the discussion. Noh-Varr, why aren’t you hugging me, I need a hug right now or I’m going to freak out."


	5. Never Have I Ever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tandlerovmusic asked:  
> Prompt: Robins/Young Avengers/Teen Titans play Never Have I Ever.

"This would be much more entertaining if your mothers would actually give us liquor."

Before anyone could break in with anything vaguely parental, Merlin snorted. “Are you  _kidding?_  My moms barely even let me have  _caffeine._  Also, you’re twelve.”

Damian looked offended. “I’m  _almost_  thirteen.”

"Keep telling yourself that, shorty." Tommy patted him on the shoulder, then blurred to duck the smaller boy’s thrown punch. "Too slow!"

"I despise you."

Dick had his hand clapped over his mouth. Kate elbowed him, grinning. “Go on, laugh. This is amazing. Hey, Raven, I think it’s your turn.”

Only about half the team and their guests were playing. Most of the others were sprawled on or around the couch, watching Teddy, Vic, Kara, and Noh-Varr battle it out in a truly  _epic_  Super Smash Brothers match.

Raven frowned down at her cup of soda. “Hm. Ah. Never have I ever…been to the moons of Jupiter?”

Bart, Tommy, Cass, and Kate took drinks.

Dick blinked. “Wait, since when did  _you_  guys go to Jupiter?”

Bart looked away, laughing nervously. “It’s a long story.”


	6. Train Job

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> lentocantabile asked:  
> Crack Prompt: For whatever reason, a routine mission of the Young Titans requires Kon and Teddy to drive a train. Confusion, random button-pushing, shouting, and property damage ensue.

"Ohshitohshitohshit  _why are we the ones doing this?_ ”

"I don’t know!" Teddy stares at the console, trying to decipher the abbrevations and symbols enough to figure out what to do. "We’re trying to slow it down, right?"

Kon scowls. “I thought we were trying to speed it up!”

M’gann’s mental voice wafted through their minds.  _"You are trying to_ stop _the train, boys!”_

"Thanks, Meg!" Teddy tried not to sound worried.

_"Tim will be there in a moment, please keep it together until then!"_

"Will do, Meg!"

"So what do we do?" Kon reaches for a lever. "Because if you don’t come up with something, I’m just going to start hitting controls until something works."

"…you know, there’ve been worse plans, let’s do that."

One lever pull, and the train  _lurches,_  and Tim pitches forward through the door, rolls gracefully, and comes up on his feet. “Why were  _you_  two the ones trying to do this?”

Teddy and Kon shout, simultaneously, “We don’t  _know!_ ”


	7. Spin The Bottle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> geoboy-world asked:  
> Not sure if it comes under the meme, but could you do another Merlin/Bart fic... Please *puppy dog eyes*

Bart’s got his knees drawn up, face buried in them. The only things visible are his floppy hair and the slowly darkening tips of his ears. “It’s rigged, isn’t it. You’ve rigged the bottle so you can make me kiss Merlin again. That’s why you make us play spin the bottle every time we’re having a team party.”

Stephanie grins at him. “Now, Lin. How would we ever manage that?”

"I don’t know,  _Batgirl,_  you tell me!”

Kate pats him on the shoulder. It’s not comforting. “We’re just trying to get you to admit it.”

"AdmitwhatIdon’thaveanythingtoadmit."

"You  _like_  him.”

There’s a clatter from the kitchen, and the team looks up, startled. After a moment, though, they hear Merlin shout, faintly, “I’m ok!”

"It’s  _ok,_  Bart.” Tommy’s grinning. “Not like you’re the only one who’s thought about it.”

 _Everyone_  looks at him. Teddy raises an eyebrow. “ _You,_  though?  _You’ve_  thought about it?”

"Well, he’s always  _offering,_  why wouldn’t I?”

"I think you should just ask him out." Cassie Sandsmark drains her soda and flashes Bart a thumbs up. "What’s the worst that could happen?"

Bart makes a nervous squeaking noise. “He could say no!”

The entire team responds with a chorus of, “He’s not going to say no.”

When Merlin wanders back in with his soda everyone looks up at him. He blinks. “Um. Did I miss something exciting?”


	8. Anything Your Alien Can Do, Mine Can Do Better

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> allknowing1 asked:  
> A prompt for your Muliverse universe: Tim, Billy, and maybe even Merlin have a "my alien is better than your alien" conversation.

"I mean, I don’t imagine that Kryptonians have much in common with Skrulls.”

Billy frowns. “I don’t think so, no. Although I bet they do have some stuff in common with Kree. They’re really high density, there’s the super-strength thing…except that Kryptonians are sort of…ultra-aliens.”

"Yeah." Tim gets a faraway look in his eyes. "They really are.” Then snaps back to reality. “Although yours does shapeshift. Is…” he lowers his voice, “is that fun?”

"Oh my god there’s this thing he can do where he grows, like, four extra arms, and…mm.” Billy’s eyes shut for a moment, and he turns a bit pink. “So. Um. Are Kryptonians actually super warm? Like, all the time?”

"It’s like being in bed with a furnace, except really sexy." Tim pauses, then glances briefly over his shoulder. "So do you know why Merlin’s asleep on his face on the couch?”

Merlin raises a hand groggily. “Noh-Varr kept me up all night.”

Billy frowns. “Seriously? All night?”

"Ten. Times. In a row.”

"Holy shit, are you ok?”

"It was awesome.”


	9. I Don't Like You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> antiheroicshenanigans asked for something cute and preteen-dating-y with Damian Wayne and Hit-Girl!

"Just so you know," Mindy says, firmly, "I don’t like you."

Damian nods sharply. “ _Good._  I don’t like you either.”

"We’re just both walking in the same direction."

"Yes. Exactly."

They walk along side by side, at a fairly brisk pace.

Then Mindy drops her book. Damian picks it up and hands it to her. Their eyes don’t meet.

He says, irritably, “ _I’m_  walking into that ice cream place over there,” as their hands brush.

"What a coincidence. I was walking that way too."

"It looks very crowded."

"We’ll probably have to share a table if we’re having any ice cream."

"If we  _have_  to.”

They walk into the ice cream place side by side.

Neither of them smile.


	10. Almost Toasted By A Communist Superman

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> meri47 asked:  
> I'm bored, so, have a prompt! How, exactly, did the encounter between Discord and RedSon!Superman go?

"Oh,  _wow._  This is  _definitely_  not the place.  _Way_  off the mark.”

Kolya looks up from his papers, startled, as beside him Diana says, “Kolya, who is that?”

"I don’t know." He frowns at the glowing portal anchored to the wall of his war room, frowns harder at the rainbow-haired man who just walked through it. "But I don’t think I approve."

The man brushes nonexistent dust off his dinner-jacketed shoulder and grins. “I like this place. Very Soviet Realist. Very gray. Including you, and  _ooh,_ by the way, I  _love_  the gray-black-and-red. Hot. Not enough costumes use that color scheme. And Wondy,  _you_  are looking  _very_  nice.”

Kolya stands. “Guards. Get this degenerate out of my war room.”

"Ok, the homophobia makes you about one  _thousand_  percent less sexy.”

The room begins to go red as he turns on his heat vision.

"Oh. Oh good. Hey, boss, get me  _outta_  here!”


	11. I Know That Girl

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> geoboy-world asked:  
> Meri47's prompt gave me another prompt idea. Death of The Endless and Merlin meet each other (the others don't know who she is)

"Merlin.  _Merlin._  Come on, we need to hurry.”

Merlin stares back over his shoulder as he runs, stumbling, Tim pulling him by the hand. “That woman Batwoman’s talking to—”

"Just some random person, come  _on!_ ”

"But I  _recognize_  her!”

The woman in the black tank top just looks up, waves to Merlin, and winks.

"No, wait, we should go  _back—_ ”

They jump through the portal and leave Gotham City behind.


	12. I'll Make A Man Out Of You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ardatli asked: So I'm having a blah kind of day (nothing major, just on edge / murphy / shark week kind of moody) and I put on my Inspirational Music when I got home as a mood lifter.... and realized I NEED you to write a drabble for this prompt. "Danny Rand/Make a Man Out of You (Mulan)." [bats eyelashes]

Danny’s got the practice room in Avengers Mansion to himself. Good. Not that he can’t practice in his own dojo, but there’s always the possibility that one of his students will show up, and while he does love those kids, sometimes he needs his own space.

TIme for a workout.

He hits “play” on the stereo.

Slow music for stretching, and he’s never going to hear the end of it from Luke for warming up to Enya, but he doesn’t care. A few faster tracks for laps and the more intensive cardio, and then by the time he’s on forms he’s gotten to the stupid pop music and everything is perfect.

And then “Eye Of The Tiger” ends and now it’s time for his favorite part of any workout.

_Staff practice._

The drums start. He grabs his staff.

“Let’s get down to business!”

Stand.

“To defeat! The  _Huns!_ ”

Strike!

He leaps. He whirls.

“Be a  _mannnnn!_ ”

It’s totally awesome.

The song ends.

There’s applause.

At first he just thinks it’s in his head, so he bows and says, “Thank you, thank you,” before looking up and saying, “Ah. Uh. Hi, Victor.”

Victor grins at him. “Hey, Danny.”

“And…Kate?”

Kate Bishop waves. “Hey there. Victor said you were in need of a Hawkeye for something.”

Danny nods slowly. “I was. Uh. I was expecting–”

“Clint has a cold and I made him stay home because otherwise he’d just hurt himself. And anyway Victor has my number.” Kate beams. “Don’t worry, I promise not to post the video I took. At least, not today.”


	13. Billy And Teddy Go Costume Shopping

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ardatli asked: Are you taking general prompts? Because ALLLLL the hallowe'en stuff was out in Value Village today, and I feel the burning need to read Billy/Teddy costume shopping at the thrift store. y/n?

“Babe, I’m not really feeling it today.” Teddy’s being towed behind Billy as they stalk through the aisles at the Dollar Tree, stumbling helplessly along while his boyfriend inspects every shelf. “We don’t really  _need_  to buy costumes this year, too. I mean, you can sort of magic one up, and I can just…be one.”

The look he gets from Billy is almost  _pained._  “Teddy, costume shopping is the best  _part_  of Halloween. I can’t just magic one up. Ooh, look, jars!”

Teddy sighs. “Witches and jars. Witches  _love_  jars. I don’t even get it. I guess I’ll just—”

He stops.

Billy stumbles, startled, when his boyfriend becomes an inexplicably immovable object. “Tee? Did you see an— _ooooh._ ”

The package that Teddy’s staring at is labeled  _Captain Marvel, women’s medium._

"You wanna go as Captain Marvel for Halloween, babe?”

Teddy nods enthusiastically. “You know, Billy, I think I  _am_  feeling the Halloween shopping after all.”

“That costume isn’t really sized for your body type, though.”

“I can grow boobs.”

“If you want.” Billy frowns. “I wonder if I can find a Spider-Woman costume in here, we can do a couples look.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “Witches love jars” is unashamedly stolen from gothiccharmschool, because it’s entirely true. I almost spent thirty dollars on jars at Michael’s last week before I realized that I needed to pay rent.


	14. Telling Harry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> materassassino asked: And, uh... if you're not on board with this ship, that's fine, but... Teddy/James Sirius, telling Harry.

It’s not so much “coming out” as it is that James freezes halfway through pulling Teddy’s shirt off over his head and says, “Uh oh.”

Teddy jumps, blinded by his own shirt. “What? What is it?”

“Um. Hi, Dad.”

Harry, standing just as frozen in the doorway of the basement game room, says, “Jim, is that Teddy Lupin under there?

* * *

Five minutes later Teddy’s shirt is back on, James’ trousers are buttoned up, and they’re upstairs on the living room couch while Harry sits on the coffee table.

"Look, it’s not that you fancy boys, that’s not even an issue,” he says, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Either of you. But you’re practically cousins.”

“We’re  _not_  cousins, though.” Teddy looks puzzled. “Just because I stay over a lot…”

“We’re not even as closely related as you and Mum are.” James is fixing his hair nervously. “Fifth cousins at  _most._ ”

Harry blinks. “Your mum and I aren’t related.”

“You are  _so._ Second cousins thrice removed. Rhodora Ygraine Potter married Gaheris John Weasley in 1907. Don’t you remember when I did that family tree in–no, wait, you were in Rumania then on that murder case.”

His father looks satisfyingly poleaxed. “I didn’t know Ginny and I were related.”

Teddy shrugs. “Neither did I, Jim’s the one who read all of  _Wizarding Bloodlines of the British Isles_  in two sittings.”

There’s a clatter of dishes in the kitchen and a murmured spell, and Harry leans back towards the hall door and calls out, “Gin, can you come in here a minute?”

Ginny walks in with a cheese sandwich in one hand and a tablet in the other, reading intently as she moves. “Make it quick, love, I’m proofreading ‘Mione’s paper for the Magisterium symposium and she’s having kittens.”

“Oh, how is it?”

“Perfect as usual, but you know how fussy she gets. What is it?”

“Did you know James and Teddy were dating?”

“Yes, for a while now. I’ve been telling you to drop by St. Mungo’s, your eyes need checking.” She takes a bite of her sandwich and keeps reading.

Now James and Teddy are the ones in shock, and Harry inspects his glasses for a moment with a frown. “My–but anyway, what do  _you_  think of it?”

“Good on you, Jim. Ten points for Gryffindor for good taste.” A thoughtful pause in which she flicks down on her tablet. “And another five for breaking it off with Cecily Greengrass, I can’t stand her mother.”

James is bright red. “Uh…thanks, Mum.”

“Thanks, Aunt Ginny,” Teddy echoes sheepishly.

Harry says, weakly, “Gin, did you know that we’re cousins?”

She shrugs. “Didn’t seem worth mentioning. Anyway, now that’s settled, is Teddy staying for dinner? I was going to order in from that house-elf catering place, the one Winky runs with Neville’s Gran.”

“That…that sounds lovely, Aunt Ginny.”

“Good.” She leaves the room, sandwich and tablet in hand.

All three men take a moment to process.

Then, finally, Harry says, “Well, that’s that. I’m very glad you boys are happy. Anyone up for Exploding Snap?”


	15. The Visiting Professor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the-mcguffin replied to your post “Yo”
> 
> Simon gets a gig as the DADA professor. Loki tags along. Hilarity ensues. :-)

The first thing that causes a big fuss is that Lily Potter’s not in Gryffindor. Not that Potters are  _always_  in Gryffindor, but both of her brothers are. And both of her parents were.

And she’s in  _Slytherin._

And she looks rather pleased about it.

The shock does mostly die down after a few minutes, though, since the Sorting _does_  have to keep going. So most of the students move on to the other big fuss of the evening. There are two new adults at the head table.  _Two!_

Albus leans across the Gryffindor table and says to Moira Bones, “Weren’t we only hiring  _one_  new professor?”

The questions are answered not long after, when the Sorting is completed and it’s time to hear the news. Headmaster McGonagall, resplendent in black velvet and looking even more distinguished than usual, delivers the usual announcements and admonishments, and then says, “As I’m sure many of you know, Professor Silverlock has left on a three-year sabbatical in order to work on his Magis Doctor. He will be missed in his absence, but we wish him the best of luck in his academic work while he’s away.”

There’s a round of faint clapping.

“With that said, students, I would like to introduce you to our new Defense Against The Dark Arts teacher, Professor Simon Clark.”

More clapping. Professor Clark stands up and bows. His robes are bright green, his hair brightly colored—he looks young and vivid in a way that’s strange when compared to the relatively subdued clothes and slowly aging faces of the others at the head table. “Evening, folks! Very pleased to be here!”

Somehow the fact that he’s an American throws everyone off even more than his brightly-colored clothes. Everyone starts to whisper.

McGonagall pauses. “Professor, perhaps it would be more appropriate for you to introduce…”

“Oh, right.” Professor Clark gestures to the other new face at the table, a slim, dark-haired man who wears a sharply tailored suit instead of robes. “And this is my…husband, Loki, who will be acting as my teaching assistant during my tenure here.”

Several girls at the Hufflepuff table giggle, blushing as they gaze up at the dark-haired man, who nods shortly to the students but doesn’t stand or say anything.

McGonagall says, “Thank you, Professor Clark.”

Professor Clark beams at her. “My pleasure.”

* * *

The Slytherin first-years are scheduled for Defense Against The Dark Arts on Wednesday morning, and Lily finds that it’s  _impossible_  to get a clear idea of what the new professor is  _like._  People seem  _fond_  of him. Apparently he’s fun? But nobody will tell her straight out what his teaching style is like, or for that matter what he’s been teaching.

She and her housemates get to the new Defense Against The Dark Arts classroom—a sunny spot on the northern side of the castle, with large windows and a view of the lake—and find that the walls are covered in paintings.  _That’s_ not the odd thing, since a lot of the castle is full of paintings, but these ones are covered.

She frowns and says to Tacey Drinkwater (already a fast friend after one night in the dorms), “What’s the point of him hanging all these paintings if he’s not going to show them to us?”

“ _That,_  young lady, we’ll be addressing fairly soon.”

She squeaks.

Professor Clark waves from the front of the classroom. Behind him, next to the blackboard, the largest painting has swung out from the wall, and after a moment Loki emerges and shuts it behind him. “Your students are very unobservant, beloved.”

“They’re eleven, give them a break. You were eleven a billion years ago, you know how it is.”

Loki shrugs and sits down in a chair next to Professor Clark’s desk, looking bored.

“Anyway, good morning, everyone.” Professor Clark cracks his knuckles, smiling cheerfully. “It’s wonderful to see such an exciting assembly of impressionable young people. Please put your wands away.”

There’s a suppressed sigh from the students.

“Look, you’re eleven-year-olds, I’m not starting you with a practical lesson.” Professor Clark draws his wand with a flourish. “But I’m not asking you to take notes, either.”

Next to Lily, Tacey frowns. “Where’s  _your_  wand, Professor…Loki?”

Loki raises an eyebrow. “I don’t have one. Unfortunately, by the laws of this accursed little island, I’m not allowed.” He brushes his hair back absently, and nearby, Auberon Zabini lets out a startled noise, because their teaching assistant has  _pointed ears._  “Backwards place, I don’t know why Bobby likes it.”

“Babe. Not the time.” Professor Clark taps the board with his wand, and a piece of chalk rises up and begins to write as he talks. “Anyway, class. Today we’re going to be talking about the nature of evil.”

Lily’s ears perk up.


	16. Howler

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> nerdygeekypastrychef asked: Dude, prompts? You should write me a story about Sirius and Remus getting teased about being a couple in school before they were a couple. James loves to make fun of them, but other students do too, but they never were a couple but it makes them a couple. I can't get enough of those. And you should prompt me too. Hint hint, love you.

Remus is quiet and shy and smart. He’s not like the other Gryffindors. When he scrapes his knees on the first day of flying lessons he cries, loudly, and the Ravenclaws laugh, because who ever heard of a cowardly Gryffindor? They laugh and they call him, “howler.”

His face goes red.

_Howler, howler._

* * *

The other boys in his dorm come to respect him eventually–after he bloodies James’ nose and blacks Sirius’ eye, growling like a feral thing in the corner of the common room. He gets detention, but so do they, and they all come out fast friends.

But children are awful, children are cruel, and the closer Remus and Sirius become, the more they tease and spread rumors. Until, one day, a screech owl drops a red envelope at Sirius’ place at the table.

A Howler.

He gets out of the Great Hall, but they all hear his mother’s roar.  _DISGRACING THE HOUSE OF BLACK. CONSORTING WITH HALF-BLOODS. INVERT, WEAKLING, SHOULD’VE BEEN SENT TO DURMSTRANG, THEY’D TOUGHEN YOU UP, YOU’RE THE SHAME OF THE FAMILY._

He comes back in with bowed head and brushes away James’ hand. His sleeves are singed.

_Howler, Howler._

–

When the other three learn the secret, they start understanding Remus’ bad dreams. The moon haunts him; he has nightmares at its dark just as he changes when it’s full. All three of them do what they can, but it’s Sirius who gets the house-elves to help him push his bed and Remus’ together. He’s the one who’s there for the worst of the dreams.

“Hey, howler,” he says, whenever the dreams get too bad. “Howler, you berk, wake up,” shaking his friend’s shoulders.

And Remus wakes with a muttered, “Don’t call me that,” and returns to a more peaceful sleep.

They’re so close that even James is tempted to joke and tease, but he doesn’t.

_Hey, Howler._

–

When it  _does_  happen, nobody’s in the least surprised.


	17. Who Made Cupcakes?

Eli stares open-mouthed at the table. “You made…wait, you made  _all_  of these?”

Teddy nods, continuing to unload his plastic Tupperware. “Yep.”

“You made cupcakes. With…with green frosting.”

“It was the only kind of food coloring we had enough of.”

“But  _why,_  though?”

Teddy shrugs, nervously peeling the paper wrapper off a cupcake. “I had a bad day at school yesterday. Got a couple of papers coming due. Turned on the TV and accidentally watched an episode of  _Millenium_  because at first I thought it was  _X-Files._  I panicked.”

“And that means making cupcakes?”

Around a mouthful of cupcake, Teddy mumbles, “Well, I  _wanted_  to make cookies, but the sheet pans were dirty.”

Eli just gapes at him, and the gaping continues until Cassie comes in and says, “Holy crap, who brought cupcakes?”

Eli points. “Teddy  _made_  them.”

Billy and Kate walk in talking and cut off mid-sentence as they spot the table, Kate saying, “Wait,  _who_  made the cupcakes?”

“Oh my god, babe, I didn’t know yesterday was that bad.” Billy snags a cupcake from the table and then burrows up under one of Teddy’s arms. “You never mentioned.”

There’s a blur and then two cupcakes are missing from the table and Tommy fuzzes into view on the couch, mouth full. “Theve are  _delifious._  Who made cupcakes?”


	18. Cody Is Drunk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> kaszaslut asked: idk if ur doin requesties tonight or filling old ones but can u write something abt the clones from star wars. thank u love ur gay son

Obi-Wan stares, baffled. “Why are Rex and Fives holding onto Cody’s legs?”

Echo scratches the back of his head and says, slurrily, “We were. We were celebrating the recent victory.”

“I’d gathered that, Echo, I want to know what you’re doing  _now._ ”

“Well. Well. We were talking about some of the beautiful architecture in the capital and Cody had this idea–”

“Let go of me,” Cody says, sounding furious. “I’m going to scale the Jedi Temple. It’ll be amazing.”

Rex just holds on harder. “Cody, you can’t scale the Jedi Temple, you’re drunk.”

“I  _can._  I’m very good at scaling things, I can do it while I’m drunk.”

_“Cody, no.”_


	19. Luna's Big Win

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When I asked for Harry Potter prompts a couple of weeks ago, wizardtwinks asked for Luna Lovegood. Nothing specified, just…something with Luna.

On reflection, Padma feels that her life would probably have been easier if she hadn’t fallen in love with another Ravenclaw.

Granted, a  _lot_  of things could have made her life easier. She could have applied to go to Beauxbatons, like Aunt Laksmi had wanted. She could have put aside her prejudices and told the Sorting Hat, “Sure, Slytherin sounds lovely,” and then done a bit of good work from the inside. Hell, she could have done what her cousin Sajal did, she could have ditched magic completely and gone to pharmacy school. Being a pharmacist was a good profession. Quiet.

If she’d become a pharmacist then she wouldn’t be  _here,_  outside a burial mound in some frozen Scandinavian wasteland, saying, “Luna.  _Luna._  Let’s go back to the hotel, please, I don’t think we’re going to find any ghosts in this cold.”

Luna blinks her frustratingly beautiful eyes and says, dreamily, “Why not? The ghosts don’t feel the cold. They’re dead. And I’ve been trying to get this interview for weeks.”

“You didn’t even bring your photographer, the little guy, what’s his name…”

“What, Dennis?” Luna giggles. “It wouldn’t have been very helpful. Too dark this time of year. Ghosts don’t take to flash photography very well.”

“Oh, for Merlin’s sake…” Padma digs through her pockets as she follows her girlfriend in. “ _Here._  Pepper-Up Potion, homemade. Have a sip. I’m not having us both die of hypothermia out here.”

“Ooh, thank you, Padma.” Luna takes a sip of the potion and hands the bottle back, adjusting her hat as smoke starts to leak out of her ears. Then she takes a breath, cups her mittened hands around her mouth, and calls down into the burial mound, “Hello there! I’m looking for a gentleman named Floki!”

There’s a whisper in the mound, and Padma almost chokes on her own mouthful of Pepper-Up as a raggedy ghost rises up out of the ground, blinks at them, and says, in thickly accented English, “I’m Floki. I haven’t had a visitor here for ages.”

Luna holds out a hand, beaming. “Luna Lovegood. Editor and chief reporter of the International Quibbler. I’m doing an article on some of the more unusual local fauna, and was told you were the person to speak to. Do you have a few minutes for an interview?”

The ghost gapes at her and then reaches out, passing his forearm through hers in what passes for a handshake. “All the time in the world, young lady. I  _am_ dead.”

Padma shudders, thankful for the feeling of the Pepper-Up warming her from the inside. “Excuse me, but before you two get started, is there somewhere warmer we could sit?”


End file.
